Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage -

please click harder

Hitting the keyboard harder has now been proven to make the Internet work faster.  In fact you may have got this error message because you did not press firmly enough.  This is also the case with mouse buttons.  New biofeedback functionality in XP and Vista ensures that those who hit hardest get the best response.

• If response is slow, repeatedly clicking on the same button or link causes IP routers to give priority to your request.

• Internet performance can be improved by issuing the verbal command 'Come on, come on' to your monitor.  Sophisticated sound equipment in your PC will respond to many phrases, including some mild profanity.

• Rapid side-to-side movement of your mouse, followed by four sharp raps on your desk is known to cause Windows to re-prioritise your Internet session and allocate more CPU cycles to hardware response functions.

• If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you wiggle your network cable where it plugs into your PC.

• If you have a flat screen, don't forget to press the screen until it distorts the image and leaves a grey 'flare' and a greasy fingerprint on the display. 

• With a CRT monitor, a winding motion with your hand to the side of the monitor increases your PC's bus speed by 10%, as does knocking on the glass and calling out "Hello?''.

• Bullet holes like this in your computer allow better airflow to the processor - you'll find one in your IE7 toolbar.

• Never use the load button to close your CD or DVD drive.  Pushing the drawer in by hand overrides the rev limiter & increases read performance by 25%.  Also, the more 'drive not ready' messages you get, the better, so keep on hitting 'retry'.

• This is a picture of my old table tennis bat and ball.  A ping-pong bat is ideal for performing percussive maintenance tasks on your computer.

• If you continue to have problems, contact your company's Help Desk, your PC's manufacturer, or Microsoft Technical Support.  They will ask for details of your configuration, the exact sequence of events leading to the problem, and the status of your software licenses.  They will then consult their extensive knowledgebase systems and fault-finding dialogues before telling you to re-boot and try again.

• Click the Back button firmly with a slight anti-clockwise flourish to try another link.

Or you could replace your unreliable network equipment with brand new 3Com products

from 3COMPLETE - the specialist UK 3Com supplier.  www.3complete.com

Please note that some of these techniques also work on everyday objects.  Just think how pressing the TV remote buttons hard overcomes flat batteries, and how frantically stabbing C/CE on your calculator stops it from repeating a mistake for the third time.  And of course we all learn at an early age how to prioritise the pedestrian crossing traffic lights...